When Rosie Shook Our Beliefs on Empathy

“I just think I have too much empathy to live in this world.”

This is what a-not-so-young-anymore Rosie, who inspired the creation of our imagination world some years ago, told me recently, a strong statement that took me, and the wooden Fellows, completely by surprise.

As an early childhood educator, I believe that empathy is one of those critical skills we should pass along to the next generation. With empathy comes kindness and compassion. With empathy emerge relationships and cooperation. Raising empathetic children is critical to any better future we could hope for. At the Petit Refuge, Petite Clothilde is a model of empathy, reminding us all of the work of building a better world, one compassionate person at a time.

But what Rosie said made me wonder: what if empathy, without guidance, can become too heavy? What if it sometimes leaves us unprotected? In other words, what may be the unintended consequences of teaching our little ones to be empathetic?

Now that we have moved to a monthly post, the wooden Fellows and I took the chance to pause with Rosie’s statement, reflecting on empathy not just as a vital skill to strengthen, but as something that requires boundaries and protection. What follows are some thoughts for all of us to reflect on, with the wooden Fellows sitting nearby, as gentle reminders that imagination and curiosity can help us hold big questions with both seriousness and silliness.

What is empathy?

Empathy is the ability to imagine what another person is feeling, stepping outside our own experience long enough to see the world through someone else’s eyes, i.e., stepping into someone’s shoes to better understand their perspective.

One may feel what someone else is feeling, like sadness when we see a friend cry; one may understand someone else’s perspective, even if we do not share the emotion; one may act to comfort or stand alongside someone. Remember Maurice checking on Petite Clothilde one day, after she fell?

For young children, empathy often begins with small gestures, such as a toddler bringing a stuffed animal to a crying classmate or a preschooler saying, “Do you want to be my friend?”. These simple moments build the foundation of noticing and responding to others with care and compassion.

In other words, empathy is worth teaching with intention. As young children’s language and self-awareness grow, so do their empathy skills. And people around them play a critical role in strengthening, or limiting, those skills.

How to strengthen empathy skills…

There have been a number of books, articles, and even curricula about empathy, but the wooden Fellows and I are really keen on those everyday experiences, those small, yet consistent practices from which empathy can really take root.

Taking time to notice and name feelings.

Children learn empathy by recognizing feelings, their own first, but also others’. This can be as simple as saying, “I see you are upset because we have to leave,” or “he looks sad. What do you think happened?” As feelings become visible, we can start responding to them better.

Listening (I mean, truly listening).

Young children notice everything, and sadly, we often do not give them full credit for how much they notice. That includes when we answer too quickly or rush to find a solution. True listening means slowing down, letting young children finish their thoughts, no matter how long it may take, and inviting reflection. Instead of “Don’t worry, you’ll be fine,” we can ask, “What are you worried about?” or “What would make you feel better?” It is in those moments that empathy grows.

Embracing a wide range of stories and perspectives.

Books are powerful tools to embrace and explore empathy. When children hear stories from other backgrounds, cultures, and experiences, they can practice stepping into someone else’s shoes. Like Dr. Sims-Bishop said so beautifully,

“When there are enough books available that can act as both mirrors and windows for all our children, they will see we can celebrate both our differences and our similarities, because together, it is what makes us all human.”

And stories are not only in books; they can come from neighbors, family members. 

Modeling empathy ourselves.

Young children learn immensely from observing what we do. When we comfort a friend, apologize sincerely, or show curiosity about someone’s story, we model empathy. The wooden Fellows, in their little whimsical ways, remind me of this, too. They live in stories, listening and responding, showing that slowing down is a bridge to understanding, healing, and comforting. 

… without overwhelming ourselves

Rosie’s statement was a moving reminder that this piece can get overlooked. Empathy, without boundaries, can lead to exhaustion, anxiety, and even feelings of helplessness. Hence, empathy must be paired with protection.

Here are some ways one could model how to balance care for others with caring for ourselves as well:

The circle of control.

As described by S. Covey, this concept helps people discern between things or events they can control and those they cannot. For instance, hearing about wildfires or hurricanes often brings feelings of sadness, fear, and helplessness, but recentering to our circle of control can be reassuring. We cannot prevent a tornado; yet, we can listen to warnings and take shelter. Circles of control can help children embrace empathy without the burden of fixing the entire world.

Allowing boundaries.

Sometimes, a crying child leads to another crying child, who leads to another crying child. A domino effect, when sadness turns into absorption for empathetic children nearby. Young children may need to hear, or even be given permission, that they can sit with a sad friend and listen without having to feel the same sadness inside their own body. It is okay to check in on a friend, but it is also okay to want to return to play. Boundaries allow empathetic children to breathe, and stay, above all, children.

Modeling self-care.

When children see us rest, or move, or create, or whatever allows us to recenter, they can grasp that self-care is an essential component of life, making empathy sustainable. Hence, modeling how we, grown-ups, take care of ourselves is important. “I had an exhausting day at work. I am going to go for a walk (and hug a tree : )).”  Petite Clothilde and Mme Rigolotte inspired me, in the past, to write a couple of posts related to self-care, you can access them here (how to stay true to ourselves) and here (how to find our own joy : ) 

By grounding these practices in everyday life, children (and adults : ) can embrace empathy as a gentle path: we open up, we talk, we care. And we step back when we need to restore ourselves.

In the end

Empathy is a vital gift to give to future generations, fostering kindness and embracing differences. But Rosie’s words remind us that, as we emphasize empathy, we can hold space for others’ feelings without losing ourselves. Petite Clothilde and her dreamy mind, joyful Mme Rigolotte, tree-hugger Pierre-Qui-Roule, and it-is-okay-to-be-sad Maurice are here right in the Petit Refuge to ensure that we do not forget those critical lessons so empathy does not become a heavy weight on young shoulders.

How do you strengthen your empathy while also protecting your heart?

As always, we would love to hear from you!